We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.