“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?