Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
You Might Also Like
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
oh shit
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure