Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You Might Also Like
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy