Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023