I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You Might Also Like
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.