My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When ur friends with white people
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.