If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Simple enough.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants