I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840