Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
You Might Also Like
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together