If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
You Might Also Like
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Florida be like…
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish