Best spoiler warning ever
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?