Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold