If a snake ate a cake
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
*gets down on one knee*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”