Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”