if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.