My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
#Caturday
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used