i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”