If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip