HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
You Might Also Like
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him