Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
🙅🏻
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.