Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play