I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Yup
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
#Caturday
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.