The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD