The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box