Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.