what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.