Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
i- i did not expect this
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.