OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Meow
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!