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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
What the hell is going on?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.