Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”