First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.