some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
i was baptized in a car wash
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
lmao
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.