Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I feel it
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.