Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
You Might Also Like
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill