“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’m sure it’s fine.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?