Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Do not steal food from the science building!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.