If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
You Might Also Like
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu