When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
smh
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero