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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old