An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
You Might Also Like
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
90% of parenting is crumb identification.