I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The Backseat Boys
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed