The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*