Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.