[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
No way!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department