Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running