Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops