My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
This made me chuckle.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.