*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Just had my nails done!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?