DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
This why you should mind your business
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.